Poetry on Soul Surfing

I Got You

Then I see her standing there. My face flushes green.

Her golden hair flows over sculpted shoulders.

My crunchy hair doesn’t even reach my slumping shoulders.

Her muscular butt stands at attention as she judges the waves.

The slight up turn of her lips is her one tell. 

She knows nothing of fear, or control, or ego.

I see the entire ocean in her, 

and as she enters I cannot tell where water begins and woman ends.

Every paddle reaches to infinity. 

Before any time passes and at the end of eternity she finds her wave.

A singular flair of beauty against a sea of gray

She is the moon, 

The desert rose.

Suddenly it is clear

Who I am and who I have always been.

 

I Am the Wave

Relax and wait for the good one, he said.

Just breath and let yourself find the grove with the sets –

flow, don’t force.

 

Me, the wave, the rhythm, the in and the out.

Unification. Connection. 

The lover and the beloved.

The merging of soul stuff. 

Choose wisely sweet soul. 

 

Full. Something I could never find.

Never enough A’s or MVP’s. Never thin enough. Never good enough for my mom.

Anything short of everything would never be enough.

 

Emptiness: the feeling of forgetting I Am already one with all that is.

The chocolate became my thighs,

The neediness of my single serving lovers became my emptiness,

When all along there was an entire ocean to fill me.

 

I am all that is.

I know, it sounds recited.

And to be honest this truth didn’t settle in all at once.

I paddled the deep waters of truth, tasted its salt,

Then I knew.

 

I Am- one of those girls, dripping in sexy and youth. 

   I starved until I proved it was true.

I Am- that women who no one sees any more, old and cast aside.

   My rolls and wrinkles and broken body; my warrior’s wounds. 

I Am – my mother. 

   There is no getting around this.

I Am the wave.

Nothing I know more certainly

when we rise and fall as one.

 

I am skin and fiberglass and emotion all metabolized in the wash of the ocean.

I am not special, I Am sacred.

I am not unique. I Am singular.

I am not gifted. I Am the giver and the gift.

 

I never wanted it – beauty, strength, or even true love.

How can I want what I already Am?

 

 

A bit of commentary 

Soul surfing isn’t about proving something. Even if it’s just proving to myself that I’m a good surfer. I’ve expended too much effort in my life trying to be worthy of my own love. 

We live in a world of illusion. We have drank the kool aid. We believe that we are all separate, that these bodies and physical forms should be competing against each other. If there was no one else to compare myself too would I care how good or bad I performed? 

The boundary lines of our physical bodies don’t really separate us, we are all just energy after all. Spiritual teachers have been saying this for thousands of years and science is just starting to get on board with non-duality as well. But the real proof for me comes from the deep knowing that I find in the ocean. 

When I surf at my best, truly soul surfing, it comes from a place of forgetting. I forget the past, I forget the future, I forget my body, I forget my board. All is one, the board, my body and the entire ocean. 

To me, surfing isn’t about proving something. Surfing is about forgetting what I thought was true so that I can remember what has been true all along. 

(PS: These lessons have been hard-won through a recent spinal injury that’s left me to reconsider pretty much everything. One book that helped immensely was A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle)

 

I am a writer and wanna-be big wave surfer. Surfing is my muse. I write about it and how it’s teaching me to live better. I hold certification as a nutritionist, personal trainer, yoga instructor, and lifeguard instructor. My story “100 Days in Mexico” of how a solo road trip surfing my way through Mexico changed my life can be found here www.melanielainewilliams.com

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